..sometime, somewhere, at some stage point of one’s life, something much less than (but would probably eventually lead to) a mental breakdown occurs. From reflecting to someone else, from exchanging glances to another one, or merely through a simple yet friendly chat with those ones. Reality then hit, hard and deep, and hurt you in the most soften part of yours; the heart. The mind, as well. And you can do nothing but got frozen. Not because you wanted to slowing down and contemplating your world, but because barely can do anything. The point when you ask about everything in your life, either was it worth it, or NOT, really, after all. 

* damn! I’m soo late for the certification exam this morning

080510 at 0707 wib
JW Marriot Surabaya #1519

the origin of the posting was inspired by this writing
photo courtesy of TLT at Hyatt Bandung, years earlier
some grammatical errors were corrected by Reta, thanks!

Elu sendiri memandang diri elu sebagai pejuang kehidupan atau penikmat kehidupan, Yo? Seorang teman menelisik relung dengan sebuah pertanyaan tak terduga.

Itu kontemplasi gue saat melintasi Rasamala di Pancoran sore ini, sehabis berdiskusi di Kantor Pajak Tebet, dan melihat keriangan anak2 SMP yang riuh rendah bermain bola penuh peluh, adik2nya di SD yang menikmati sore sembari bergelayutan di pagar lapangan nun di sana, dan gadis2 SMA yang sedang ngambek soal malam minggu di depan pacar2nya yang baru saja berupaya menumbuhkan kumis.

Dengan semilir angin sore yang mendung dan renyahnya aspal basah bekas hujan, semua kesederhanaan ini terasa bagai sayup musik di telinga jiwa... dan aku pun memejamkan mata ke hadirat Nya, dengan seulas senyum tersungging di bibir, dan kepasrahan hati yang tawakal.

Can you just stop for a while to enjoy the simple things of life?

Dalam perjalanan kembali menuju kantor,
Friday, Dec 14, 2007 - 16:17 wib
© terbanglah lebih tinggi
 

Photo courtesy of TLT, taken at Sukabumi, on Jan 09, 2007
Question: How Do You Love the Rain?

Just arrived at Jakarta again,

and just heard the news, Congratulation, dear!

My apologize for did not get it earlier and for not got it on time.

Nevertheless, I’m happy for you, and once again, congratulation!

Warmest regards for him, I believe, the luckiest man on earth alive :-)

## Dec 01, 2007 – 18.38 wib

Thank you ya.. Tp maaf ini siapa?

## Dec 01, 2007 – 19.58 wib

A wishful heart wouldn’t need a name

It wouldn’t even need a face to say:

Wish you enough, and always..

## Dec 01, 2007 – 21.04 wib

NO reply(-ies)

## .............

What a denial, what a denial... Replying in such late, and with such tone. She could not be unable to recognize me, my mobile, and especially my phrases, rite? Just accepting the truth as suggested, perhaps denial only, and not inviting me nor even letting me know on her wedding, is what would be best to save her from her guilty feelings towards me. Or perhaps not. Who cares?

In the aftermath after got the news that made you felt betrayed. News from the one who once ever said that she would not went forward to the next step, not until after 10 years from that time, not until she got her master degrees from Japan with or without scholarships, and not until she felt ready to love and to be loved.

That moment last week, which I just found out last Saturday in Bandung, was, in fact, just less than 1.5 years from that night, when she calmly, confidently, and cold-bloodily said that lines above, right in front of my very eyes. Therefore, I guess it is true that time flies, people changes, ambitions dies, and words forgotten. Damn.

"..We make them cry who care for us
We cry for those who never care for us
And we care for those who will never cry for us.."

* taken from pravsworld.com, see the pic attached

To Mariska, thank you for your listening heart and encouraging words last night..

To Belle, thank you for your concerning thoughts across the ocean and the stars.

Interesting links:

- Pada Suatu Sosok.. sh*t happened less than 1.5 years ago

- a Phone Call of why I named this blog like this

One more thing: What do you think about those who make multiple approaches to several girls at one time? This has been a hot issue discussed between me & some of my very best friends lately

Perhaps it should not be done as a multiple approach, darling. But as “one-by-one”. On the other hand, maybe it could be multiple, but just between friends, and try to find out how things would be developed. Alternatively, perhaps you could do it as long as you could manage for not ending it up in hurting each other. This last option sounds quite fine. Next question, how could we do that? Is it possible?

Hurting..
Is it intentionally be done to fulfill one’s pride and that’s all?
Or is it be done due to unfufiled expectation ever so great?

Someone once said to me
“...I think I know what I've been looking for. Nevertheless, in fact I do not know what I am looking for. That's why I want to look for another more...”

paused,
“..You maybe the best thing that ever happened to me, and perhaps I will be sorry the shit out of myself for asking you to go...”

paused again,
“.. However, I think that would be the price I have to pay to have another chance to see things more. To find out whether there’s someone better out there, or could it be worse than ever.

Paused furthermore,
For you'll never know unless you try... And because of that, I need to try, and to ask you to let me go...”

Bila sedari awal udah sama2 berkomitmen untuk sekedar mencoba (baca: penjajakan) dan disepakati bahwa siapapun berhak mundur kapanpun dan atas alasan apapun, mungkin faktor hurting itu nggak akan ada. Mungkin.. But it’s always easy to be said than done. 

You smile to know that you’re dreaming,
and you bleed just to know you’re alive..

“.. I want to have a relationship as a casual dating experience, and not the kind of happily ever after. I want a chance to feel it, and the freedom not to feel it anymore; both with no hard feeling...”

And I smiled, and I bleed.

Tapi pengalaman gue terakhir, ternyata memang lebih mudah mengucapkan daripada menjalani. Apalagi bila peristiwa mundurnya itu sedemikian hingga membuat lo merasa diri lo diperlakukan seperti sesuatu yang telah tidak menarik lagi hingga bisa dibuang begitu saja seperti sepah.

Seperti sampah.

"..Hmmm, itu kan berarti pinter2nya orang tersebut dalam ending the game dunk.. Inevitably, I’m sad to say bahwa hurting itu akan teteup ada, cuma yang membedakan adalah skalanya.. Well than I guess, ternyata it’s a dangerous game to play yaa.. Maaf nggak bisa menjawab pertanyaanmu.. Soalnya gue jadi ikutan bingung.."

Because only from our pain and misery,
we can learn and feel,
what it means to be human…

"..Dont let someone become a priority in your life,
when you are just an option in their life...."
[pravsworld.com]

Jakarta 12870 Pancoran at May 30, 2007 - 16:59 wib
Bandung Holiday Inn Lobby at Dec 01, 2007 – 14.08 wib

“..In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before its begun..”

Citos, stood just in front of the promised Starbucks. A Sunday afternoon, a bright dry breezing wind, a destination that far and away, a crowded folks of strangers. Looked around, found none where it should be, but, as a singing chorus in the background, stating the naked, the painful truth. Of love.

because the juice is worth to squeeze.

November 25, 2007
14.35 wib

Every now and then, every single breath we take
we shall learn something new; be it better or worse.
Whatever it is, whatever it was, whatever it would be,
that's our very own private silver lining(s), indeed.

And how precious it is, to complete our life..

* wish you enough, dear..

"..You pray to God and He may answer you
He could give you the good thing you asked for,
He gives you better when you need it the most,
He gives you the BEST, in His own time.."

PS:
Someone’s journal I read this morning reminded me of these lines. Ugh, that was my mobile -- udah jadoel!:p. The photo was not mine.

PS.PS:

To commemorate it and to remind me of how grateful I was when I received the sms, here's the sender, a dearly friend whose relationship felt like real brother and sister -- believe it or not. Photo courtesy of TLT, 26 Nov 2003, Kalicaa Beach, Tanjung Lesung, Banten, Indonesia.

© terbanglah lebih tinggi

Sunday morning yet, but still having lots of things to be done. Or to be enjoyed, on another hand. Eagering yourself to read just another chapters left from that charming book, or from that intriguing article.

Ever feel you got sickened every time you see that clock tic-tacking around the beautiful Sunday Morning, whilst you are laying around lying naked on your bed, and smell the freshness and the almost sweet flavor hanging in the air? And wishes that someday they would make days longer than just the usual 24-hours. A wish that finally you are free to do whatever you want, whenever you’d liked, wherever it would be; without have to worry about that running moments (related article could be read here: Sunday Evening Blues..)

Maybe to make a cup of nice hot coffee, to have a slice of toasted bread with some almost-overly-done-self-grilled beef bacon, glasses of water, fix the motorbike and the car, arranging and re-arranging your room and the hundreds of your DVDs and another thousands of your books, to exercise a little bit harder from your daily routine or just cycling around your housing area seeing places closest to home but rarely be seen due to working pressure, to contemplate yourself under the banyan tree and perhaps losing a bit into your fortress of solitude or to take a prolonged shower enjoying the chilling sensation of the cool water running down your torso..

Maybe to see some close acquaintances of yours or them who could also be that close in the near future, and fulfill some promises and to make some new ones for days to come.

Where do you wanna go in the next 10 years from now? A friend recently popped me up the question. To them, I humbly answered, that I want to travel to tranquilizing places and spots. They don’t have to be very far away, so damned exotic, or insanely pricey -- just for being cozy and romantic. And that would be more than enough. Another place would be my own private Idaho, umm.. I mean, home (and its own dedicated library room..hmmm..).

Another friend concerned about what I want to accomplish. And for this, at the moment, I’d like to say that I want to be able to live my life fully and make people reminiscently smile when upon the fond memories of me. And of course to get the scholarship (am working on it, dear).

….

Sunday morning rain is falling

Steal some covers share some skin

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable

You twist to fit the mold that I am in

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do

And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew

That someday it would bring me back to you

….

Jakarta 14130 Cilincing,

Sunday Morning, Jun 17, 2007 – 10.00 am

PS:

Sunday Morning, Maroon 5

Nice song to be heard and to be sing

..and to accompany the contemplating you

Photo Caption:

Courtesy of Sahabat Museum,

Gereja Tugu, Tanjung Priok, Jakarta

Jan 31, 2006

oleh: terbanglah lebih tinggi

Hujan, males deh. Hujan hanya enak kalau ada di dalam kehangatan rumah, di tengah kenyamanan keluarga.. Hujan akan menjadi sangat menyebalkan bilaman kau masih berjalan jauh dari rumah, masih harus menempuh perjalanan dengan sepeda motor, dan menderap melintas hujan yang kehujanan.. Hujan. Kenapa harus hujan?

Alhamdulillah, ternyata hari ini multiply bisa gue akses. Dan, tumben2an, meebo pun bisa melenggang dengan sukses. Malah katanya friendster juga kebuka, tuh. Tapi males ah, buka2 FS. Kecuali kalau emang lagi ada update-an aja. Atau pengen tahu update-an orang. Atau .. orang yg pernah dekat? Hehhe.. Crap!

Whuzzup? Dunno. Just enjoyed the thing, I guess. Friends staying late here and there are also happy; YM online status were springing up here and there, offering the moods of the day of my fellow “freedom” fighters, bwahaha.. It’s getting too much, I think. Be more appropriate it it’d just said as we, the pathetic white collar slaves.

Soon, very soon and some other not that soon; message and friendly or perhaps curious notes were or perhaps just for fun hellos buzzing in to my tiny yellow blinking window. Ooppss.. lots of windows, suddenly. Which one should be responded, first?

Hujan. Selalu hujan. Dan Bandung. Dan NANS. Bukannya seharusnya dia ada di Paris? Atau di Sydney mungkin? Tapi selintas bayang nya menari2 di pelupuk mata. Oh tidak, bukan! Dia ada tepat di hadapan; di remang sendu pagi nya Cafe Taruma, Hyatt, tiga hari berselang. Mengapa dia ada di sini, mengapa dia ada di sini; ramai ku bertanya. Tapi berat hati untuk melangkah mendekati sebentuk tubuh indah terbalut jaket adidas biru langit, secercah cahaya mengharap; akhirnya. Dan telepon genggam ku pun berdering; memaksa kehadiran kembali dalam rapat yang berlari marathon sedari kemarin. Dan bayang nya pun lenyap. Serendipity - /,sæ.rən.’dɪ.pə.ti/

Hujan. Hujan yang basah, hujan yang lembab. Mungkin seharusnya aku sudah ada di rumah sedari tadi. Dan menikmati renyahnya rinai derai hujan melantai. Dan pekerjaan menerjemahkan segumpal buku teks yang terbengkalai. Dan melakukan banyak hal yang memang harus dilakukan. Atau perlu. Atau mungkin hanya sekedar sebuah kesenangan belaka yang tiada arti. Atau mungkin tidak, siapa tahu? Kau tidak akan pernah mengerti seseorang, hingga kau menyelam ke balik kulitnya. Ke dalam sanubari nya yang terdalam.

Dan hujan menyebalkan ini mungkin akan memaksa ku menyelam dalam-dalam.

Karena hujan itu menyenangkan.

Untuk jiwa yang dahaga.

Untuk hati yang kerontang.

Untuk pikiran yang jenuh.

Untuk tubuh yang lelah.

Untuk pelukan yang merindu.

Untuk mata yang menerawang.

Untuk telapak yang mencari.

Untuk setetes hujan yang mendebarkan..

Untuk setetes hujan yang menenangkan:

How Do You Love the Rain?

http://terbanglahlbhtinggi.multiply.com/music/item/19

each time I see those thick dark clouds,

I used to smile and make a wish, that it would turn.. turn to rain.

because I know that I would watch, for you to play under the rain

but now when rainy days are here,

I feel so blue ’cause I can’t hear, all your laughter in the falling rain.

and it brings sadness to my heart, knowing that you’ve gone from my side.. my side

since that rainy days and you make a symphony,

the rain without you makes the blues. happy days and you, will always be right here to stay. where the rainy day brings me back. brings me back into your arms..

Jakarta 12870 Pancoran,

Monday, Apr 30, 2007 – 19.16 wib

Photo courtesy of TLT,

Mahakam midnite, a month earlier

oleh: terbanglah lebih tinggi

1.      Making discoveries, by accident and sagacity, of things not in quest of.

2.      Discovering something by accident while investigating something quite different. For example, finding a biological culture “ruined” by mould, and discovering the antibiotic penicillin as a consequence.

3.      A fortunate occurrence created by unanticipated luck.

“Call it a mid-life crisis; call it divine intervention or simply serendipity, but his employer, Matt Prentice, happened to know that at that moment over at the Scott Building there was a new kitchen just waiting for the right person to run it.” —Detroit News, October 7, 2005

Related Link:
Serendipity Part Deux 

Yang membuatnya menarik sebenarnya adalah pola dan susunan awan nya yang berubah-ubah dengan (relatif) cepat itu. Plus gelapnya itu lhoo... hmmm, keren banget - I love it! As always, as ever.

Yang bikin kaget, tiupan angin nya kemarin tuh kencang banget; bahkan hingga bisa terdengar dari dalam gedung kantor gue. Dan awalnya gue sendiri sempat salah sangka, gue pikir lagi ada orang (atau hantu, berhubung kantor udah gelap dan sepi, hihi) yang lagi bersiul-siul di belakang gue. FYI, posisi meja dan kursi gue memang membelakangi jendela.

Yang namanya hujan, entah mengapa, memang selalu menarik. Plus secangkir kopi hangat, dan segudang kenangan. Dan, yahh.. sepanjang nggak lagi kehujanan plus lupa bawa payung aja, hahaha..

"..each time I see those thick dark clouds,
I used to smile and make a wish,
that it would turn.. turn to rain.
because I know that I would watch,
for you to play under the rain.."

TGIF,
TLT

PS:
Potongan lirik (dan lagunya) di atas dapat dilihat pada link berikut:
rainy days & you..

oleh: terbanglah lebih tinggi

Di acara Scramble Your Morning radio U-FM 94.7 barusan (dan masih berlangsung hingga saat ini), ada pertanyaan rutin harian yang dilontarkan duet pembawa acara nya yang kompak, nakal, bersemangat, dan tentu bisa bikin suasana pagi lo jadi beda.

Pertanyaan itu bervariasi setiap hari nya, and so far, lumayan lucu, usil, dan menggelitik. Lebih sering gue cuma iseng denger dan numpang ketawa. Terkadang beberapa pertanyaan (dan jawabannya, tentunya) bisa membuat gue terpana, terpesona, dan berpikir tentangnya. Dan ngobrolin topik itu dengan teman2 dekat, atau bahkan menginspirasikan gue. Kadang, gue berpartisipasi dalam acara tersebut. Mengirimkan sms sebagai jawaban. Seperti pagi ini, saat mereka melontarkan pertanyaan sensitif;

“…definisikan putus baik-baik menurut elo..”

Dengan segala hormat ke Merlyna dan segala cela’annya ke gue waktu itu (hehe..) here’s my answer sent (and announced on air! to millions of U-FM’s audience around Jakarta). Copied and pasted directly from my mobile:

08.10:

Mnrt gue; bilang dan dengarkan apa ada nya. Terima keputusannya, tanya tentang apa yang telah terjadi, say thanks for everythings, and asking forgiveness for any wrongdoing(s), pamit ke orang tua dan adik nya..

08.20:

Got my sms on aired! With such special comments and reviews, thanks!

(did you hear it? No? Too bad..:p)

08.39:

“..jadi kamu nggak akan ke sini lagi, mas?..”,

Itu yang ditanyakan orang tua dan adiknya saat gue pamitan waktu itu. And my response? Speechless, dunno what to say.

For that sms, they gave me a song (see below). The funny thing is, I used to think the song to be a cheesy melancholic sentimental piece of thing. Never liked the song, never liked the movie, got sick watching Bruce Wilis playing as an Americ*n Hero there. But after today, I know that I will never feel the same again about the song.. *grin

How do you describe your breakup(s)?

Jakarta 12870 Pancoran

Tuesday, Jan 23, 2007 – 08.45 am

--------------------------- 

I Don’t wanna Miss a Thing

Aerosmith - OST Armageddon

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Watch you smile while you are sleeping, far away and dreaming

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender, I could stay lost in this moment forever

Well, every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Reff

I don't wanna close my eyes I don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing

'Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do

I'd still miss you, babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating